Thursday 19 December 2013

Miss Independent,

Standing on the edge of my world trying to find some peace, it was there I realised that the space I needed was the space from my own thoughts.
So consumed with the idea of loneliness I have spent weeks pondering my own future. Honestly terrified that I might have to do it alone. Those of you who know me would know that it is not something that I like to admit. Miss Independent. Well I won't let you down, because all of a sudden I realised... I have become complacent with my life. Living in a beige world. I am lonely because I am bored. With this realisation the whole world became smaller and more accessible and all the colours just came out of the box. Something big is on its way, and I am going to get myself out there to go and stage a run in, wearing something fabulous of course! Thank Goodness that Christmas sales are just around the corner! Looks like this girl is going to need some new shoes!
I just smiled and hugged myself and said goodbye to Miss Dependant.

Saturday 23 November 2013

Rawsome

After a couple of weeks of struggle I have decided to give myself a little push again and set me back along the road to Zen. 

Starting Monday I am going to commit to 4 days of a Raw diet. You might think that 4 days is a bit strange, but I am going to commit with every inch of me for those 4 days and hopefully find something interesting on the other side. 

This idea all stemmed from something I said. 'I don't think I could do raw, I just love baked beans so much'. Every vegan just cringed. It is a constant, yes, even for me who has been Vegan just over a month. 'I could never go Vegan, I just love cheese too much'. Just merely an excuse to not even try. So I decided that I was going to ditch the beans and give it a real go. I'll keep you posted on some recipes and let you know how it goes. 

Tuesday 12 November 2013

Sex

An interesting thing about this challenge is how people have reacted to my 60 day commitment to complete celibacy. So I thought I would just put it all out there and explain my reasons for making this particular choice. 

As we grow up, we watch TV, read magazines, walk the streets, and although we may not be aware of it, we are being subjected to these hyper-sexualised images of women. We are raised to think of this as sexuality. The casual positioning of the arm or the leg, the shapes, the colours. Our whole introduction to sexuality is predetermined by a group of marketing specialist trying to sell us a product. The problem being that sexuality isn't something to be purchased. It lays down a foundation of instability because we never fully understand this ''product'' we are being sold and also leads us to believe that our sexual encounters rely heavily on the position of the arm or the leg, the hair, the colour, not allowing us to fully experience or understand our own feelings. It also grants us to believe that our sexuality is something to be advertised in a shop window, something to be open about, providing the positioning is right. Now, just to clarify, when I talk about sexuality, I am going to talk about being sexually active, but I understand that there are varying degrees of sexuality, not all of which involve sex. 

So this is introduction to sexuality 101. Most of us were teens when we first had sex and because we didn't have the mental maturity to handle sex, we just went with what we thought we knew. But then we came across this new thing which contradicts everything the media was telling us. Shaming. We like to call is slut-shaming. Society, our parents, our peers, judging and shaming us for having a sexuality. Pushing us into a further corner and limiting our access to information and our freedom to experiences, all in fear of this S word. 

So now we are in our early 20's, stuck somewhere between misinformed and going insane. This is a prime period for development and learning and we are vacillating between opposing concepts. Our sexuality posted and pretty on the walls of the street, or it being hidden in our bed side drawer. What do we do? 

This was where this whole 60 day challenge idea stemmed from. I kid you not. I was so exhausted from making poor sexual decisions and being stuck in this tug of war. I decided to strip myself of any sexuality in the hope that I might find a sexual identity. Having a sexual identity is the long term goal, in the interim I mostly want to learn how to communicate and interact with people without our sexualities being the elephant in the room. The obsession to go one way or the other creates so much pressure that we forget that we need human interaction to create our other identities and I want to get to know people again, learn about them, and not have my sexuality the forethought in every interaction with a potential mate. 

So closing in on day 30 I can tell you that the need for sexual pleasure has lessened. I will still joke and laugh about the fact that I haven't masturbated in 30 days! That's a whole month. I haven't had sex in almost 6 months and after I am done laughing, I will feel okay with these facts. 

I have many opinions when it comes to this topic. Including the different experience for girls and boys when growing up to have a sexuality, infantilization of women for more sexual desire, the porn industry and what a mess that is. But I hope the above explanation gives you a good idea of where I am heading and where I stand in making this decision.  

Monday 11 November 2013

Are we feeling zen yet?

We are coming close to the 30 day mark and I keep asking myself, Lauren, do you feel zen yet?

To be frank... the answer is no.

Exasperated and a little bit grumpy I have been waiting for zen to just happen. Alas, not going to just happen. And to be honest, I am not so naive to think it will just appear in front of me like my weekly subscription to Vogue, but I was hoping something might have changed or progressed positively in this time.

I have arrived at a place where I am questioning all my decisions. Its like I have climbed half way up Everest and I am trying to decide whether the peak is really going to be that spectacular. I mean it is a lot of work to get up to the summit and what happens if I reach it and someone else's flag is already dug deep in. Would it have all been in vein? Should I just start back down the hill?

I wish I was being less negative about this experience and accepting that there is so much baggage to dump before boarding the plane to Zen. The weight in the bag will lessen gradually and with each week I will gain a more positive perspective. And in the meantime I will just continue along to the terminal, letting the feelings guide me through the next 30 days.

Friday 25 October 2013

Identity Crisis

I'm having an identity crisis. My 60 day challenge embodies mind, body and spirit and I feel as though they are wandering different astral planes at the moment.

Waking in the middle of the night in sweats after having another vivid nightmare, I tear the images back one by one and try to construct an answer or an understanding of what my subconscious is trying to tell me. Remembering the dreams are like holding water in my cupped hands, it lingers, but eventually it finds the crack and slips away. The words and images escape me but the feelings cling to me, persistent, a nagging reminder that something is not right.

Meditation helps, but I honestly haven't reached the part where meditation means silence from my own chatter. Its a constant blah up there and no amount of self reasoning can calm the conversations. 

I am in a place between now and tomorrow. Now I am who I am, someone who I am closely acquainted with, but tomorrow is someone who is learning and growing and becoming a different individual. I am terrified. After standing stagnant in one attitude for so long, exploring the world from this perspective has left me blind sighted. 

The detox process leaves you crippled. Not only emotionally but also physically and spiritually, but I know this is the hardest part, tomorrow gets brighter and leads me to a better place of understanding.

I promise to be more diligent in blogging my progress and will start sharing some of my delicious, vegan recipes.

Monday 14 October 2013

And so it begins...

So today is the first day of '60 Days of Zen'.

I ate a dozen eggs in preparation for the next 60 days without. I made lemon meringue pie and chocolate brownies. Woke up this morning really excited for the next two months, but also a little nervous. I have received so much support from my friends and I am so glad that they will be here if things get tough.

Week 1 challenge is to go to the Fresh Food markets and buy 1 of everything I don't know and then cook with it and eat it.

So excited

Stay Tuned...


Wednesday 9 October 2013

60 Days of Zen

I have been feeling a bit flat lately. Like I have been steam rolled with emotion. So I have decided to embark on a new challenge.

60 Days of Zen.

Goal : Zen

Challenge: 60 days committed to the following
- Vegan Diet
- No Alcohol
- Juicing
- Minimizing my intake of preservatives
- Meditation once a day
- Abstaining from All sexual activity
- Reading something once a day. Including poetry, news, books, quotes.
- Blogging about my experiences and my journey every 3 days
- No Coffee
- No negativity to the best of my ability
- Spending as much time as possible getting down with mother nature
- seeing a naturopath to get my daily dose of vitamins sorted

Its about spiritually cleansing as well as physically cleansing. It's time to change habits and start a new and exciting journey. Learning about myself, my body and healing. I want to commit to my Reiki and just find myself spiritually again. No excuses.

Clock starts Monday 14th  October.

Saturday 21 September 2013

Following my Yellow Brick Road

A very creative, talented writer told me this week that the key to finding creativity is to source it through other forms of art and expression. She said 'go to the art gallery or go to a show', then with a wave of her hands she said 'Or climb a tree'. We both laughed and I replied saying I would climb the tree. Even though we laughed at the idea of climbing the tree, there was a magical sense to the carefree fearlessness of scampering up a tree and finding a nice comfortable spot to ponder the world. So I climbed a tree. And you know what I found? It's really uncomfortable in a tree. There is bark that sticks up your butt and leaves that fall down your shirt and as I was sitting there trying to ponder the world and trying hopelessly not to fall out of the tree, it dawned on me. The lesson to learn from climbing the tree is a lesson of thankfulness. We spend so much time trying to get more more more, when what we have right in front of us is enough and far more comfortable then being stuck up a tree.

I'm not saying the being ambitious and having goals is a bad thing. I'm saying that when you follow the yellow brick road, instead of picking up every character on the way and trying to make them your own, pick one. Be great at it. Or just be thankful that you have it, and you have a home and family and a roof over your head. Dreams are scary and it is so easy to become overwhelmed by the idea of this one big dream you have and to try and find every small possibility to try at something else. Something easier and something more realistic. But if the scarecrow wanted a brain, and chose a heart instead, he would still be stuck on that damned yellow brick road waiting for Dorothy.Well I decided I wanted a brain, figuratively speaking, so I dumped all that other characters behind me and set a course for some new exciting chapters. I may have turned green this week and lost my ruby red slippers, aka my mind, but I'm back. So I found some inspiration and am going to do some baking today.

Coincidently I ended up seeing a show last night...The Wizard of Oz (with a twist). I wrote this before making plans to see it. When reflecting at what I wrote I decided it was all meant to be. Well the kitchen is calling, will follow up when baked and decorated.

Wednesday 14 August 2013

30 Day Challenge

So my 30 Day Challenge is finally over...For those not following me on Facebook (FOLLOW ME!) I declared that I would embark on a journey to rid my life of unnecessary possessions. Aka my clothes. My beloved, treasured, adored clothes. I'm obsessed, I won't deny it. Clothes can be empowering, encouraging, a safety net and although there is still a part of me that believes all of this, there is also a part that admits they are a band aid, covering the real issues with outrageous, sparkly fabrics. Any one who has watched 'Confessions of a Shopoholic' would understand what I mean. I may have watched it a couple of times this month, just reminding myself that there is a big shiny light at the end. Aka Isla Fisher and Hugh Dancy getting together. Yay.
So the journey began to rid myself of the baggage. 30 days, 1 wardrobe, 1 fabulous individual...if I do say so myself and a determination to wear every single item in that one month. Anything not worn, was going to be given to Vinnies.
Well...
Lauren: 0 Vinnies: approx 40. 
It wasn't overly successful. To start things off, there are 31 days in July. It took me a month to realise this. Then there were the clothes themselves. There were lots of fabulous moments, but my wardrobe and my heart and soul took a beating. As I promised I will pass these clothes on, doesn't mean it hurts any less. So you can have an idea of my month I have saved a few photos. 










In the middle of the month I did attend Splendour in the Grass. So much fabulous was distributed that weekend, but I am yet to develop my photos so that will have to wait.
For now, just please sit and enjoy my general fabulousness. It is my word, my being, my essence and I am so proud to say that I Am Fucking Fabulous.

Give this challenge a go. Its fun.

Sunday 7 July 2013

The Cake for Nobody....

I really just wanted to show off my new cake...made for no reason at all what so ever. Sometimes when you feel really crappy, the only way to find a release is to get your hands dirty in the most delicious way...


And in the most beautiful way. Simply Chocolate, Banana and Butterscotch. Can't always make the right decisions in life....but let's be honest, cake is Always the right decision.

Saturday 29 June 2013

Fool me once, Shame on me. Fool me Twice, Shame on me. Fool me Three times...really? again Lauren?

I am a massive believer in living with no regrets. This does not mean that I have not done stupid things in my time and thought 'Gee, wish I hadn't done that'. What I mean by living with no regrets is taking that embarrassing experience, accepting it for what it was and moving forward knowing that it has changed you and bettered you in some way. My question is though, if you keep making the same mistake over and over again, is it the universe trying to tell you that you haven't got the message yet? You haven't learnt your lesson? Or is it weakness?
I went out for a girlfriends birthday last night, she is such a bloss, and I had decided from the get go that I wouldn't really drink. I am not a good drunk, I don't like the person I become, I don't like feeling drunk. I Know. What the heck, right. I mean growing up in Australia it is so drilled in that drinking is a part of being Australian.(by society, not my family) It is a horrible label to be landed with and I quite frankly find it very hard to turn away from. But I genuinely don't like it. So there my dilemma stood. Get to the party, vodka shot in hand and then its like the same damn story unfolds. And it is just the same story repeated. Mostly cloudy with a chance of meatballs and bad judgement calls. Geez there was no real pressure to even do it. Its almost like second nature. And I know what the right answer is, just don't do it. But it keeps happening. It has landed me in this spot, on my bean bag, incense burning, music loud, thinking my thoughts out trying to work out if there is a lesson for me to learn. I am going through a massive change as an individual, changing my whole lifestyle, I have even said that I feel like a completely different person. So is there a lesson? Or is it just time for me to declare it that drinking is not for me. Being an ass is not my thing. Having a screaming match in the middle of the CBD is just not who I want to be. I am embarrassed by my actions and I am the only one having to deal with the emotional and physical repercussions of my decisions. Gee I wish I could have learnt these lessons in my teens.
So there I said it. I Don't Like Drinking. And if you don't like drinking, that's okay. Society should be teaching our teens that substance abuse leads to bad decisions and some of those bad decisions stay with you for life. And cool people should teach them that, because lets face it, they don't think there parents are cool!

So, in conclusion... is there a lesson? Is that my lesson? When do you know its time to stop learning the lesson and start living them?

I made these for my friend Ben for his Birthday. Such a lovely, wonderful human being, blessed to have that guy in my life! Maple Pecan Pancake Cupcakes.


Also made Vegan Nachos for Dinner. Just ask me for the vegan cheese recipe, it was Amazing!

We may have eaten it all.


Thursday 27 June 2013

I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar

I need to go on a little rant. I was sitting at my desk at work getting so worked up and finally decided that I made a blog to share my thoughts and share them I will.

I had a big dance class on last night, so this morning I was playing catch up on the Origin, our Prime Minister and more importantly Wendy Davis's filibuster to deny passage of a bill that would severely restrict access to abortion in Texas. I do not have a massive understanding of politics but bring pro choice, this caught my attention. And what I found was not only inspiring, but also really upsetting.

I used to tell people, I am not a feminist, I am a realist, I don't think that the feminist movement is doing our women justice. Well you know what, I'm going to say it, excuse my french, but I was a Fucking Idiot. I had no idea what being a feminist was about. I was so caught up in the negative stereotype that I was missing the whole point. And now I am striving to educate myself, so I can start educating other women and our young girls, so they might be able to have a true appreciation of what equality is.

And its not even just about educating women, educating MEN. YES. It is crucial that men understand. I sincerely believe that sexism is just a part of our every day life and that generally people don't even realise that it is happening. Kitchen jokes are not funny. Rape is not something to taken lightly. Being called a 'Bitch' is not a term of endearment. This is not just a plea to men, it is a plea to everyone. Don't participate. Stand up and say that it is wrong. Don't laugh at the distasteful joke. Learn your boundaries and stand up for what you believe in.

You know what else needs to be addressed, Sex. Parents, start talking about sex. Teach your kids/pre-teens and your adult children for that matter. Tell them about the clitoris. Its not a dirty word. Explain to your sons that sex is an act between two parties, consenting parties and it is an experience to be shared, rather then a race to the end. They are relying on porn for there sexual education. Hey Guess What? Strangulation is not okay unless you are with a consenting party. Girls don't make heinous high pitched noises during sex. Simply, Porn Is Not Real.
Teach your girls that being sexual liberated is great and empowering, but it is an equal act, both parties are important. They also need to understand that men don't have to deal with the consequences of pregnancy, abortion, ectopic pregnancy, like a woman do. Sex is definitely tricky. Enjoy it, but understand it.

And to the men around my age (mid 20's) Just because I went on a date with you, does not make it my obligation to give you a blow job. Just because you smiled at me in da club and bought me a drink, does not mean I have to go home with you. Sort your shit out.

There were jokes made about Julia Gillard and Wendy Davis on social media along the lines of 'how did they get out of the kitchen' and not only is it unoriginal, but it is down right disrespectful. And I say Enough is Enough. It is sickening and I want all my friends and followers to know this is where I stand.
I think this has stemmed from the realisation that I have been objectified for so many years. I refuse to let my breasts be a part of my identity, yet it seems to be my only identifying feature, I have never had a healthy sexual relationship or just a relationship in general. I have never felt equal, but I never knew it. But now I do and I feel this passion in the pit of my stomach to make sure the girls I love and the girls I don't know never have to experience some of the crap I have endured.

So, my rant took me all day to get out, I think it will be healing for me, but I am glad I have finally found my voice. I am done living in the dark and I am crying out for information to assist me in my path to a better understanding.

Tuesday 25 June 2013

Cooking with Quinoa

Sometimes when I am cooking I like to pretend that I am Julia Childs on T.V., so I can say really cheesy things like 'Cooking with Quinoa' as I wave my hand over my pre prepared table of cooking utensils. The reality of the experience is quite different, I am pretty sure I was wearing my pjs and my utensils were spread from one end to the other. Regardless, with the help of my house mate we managed to create a vegan quinoa explosion of tastiness. So here it is...

Quinoa Burgers with Sweet Potato Chips

 .
The quinoa patties were really quite simple, although I think there is room for improvement. I am a big one for a little bit of this and that, so my measurements might not be exact.
Ingredients:
1 Cup of Cooked Quinoa
1 Brown Onion
5 Mushrooms
2 Big Garlic Cloves
A handful of Walnuts
1 Tbs and a smudge of Tahini
1/2 cup quick cook Oats
And I think that is about it. If the dish doesn't have to be vegan I might suggest adding an egg to bind the ingredients, or we also considered adding some Chia Seeds, but couldn't find them in the cupboard. (any other suggestions are most appreciated)

For those of you who haven't cooked quinoa before, it is very simple. 1/2 cup quinoa to 1 cup of water. Cook on a medium heat on the stove until it boils, reduce heat and cover for 15minutes. When you open the lid A) watch for steam burn B) don't think there are worms in your quinoa. It is supposed to look like that.

In a separate pan, cook onion, mushroom and garlic. You really could put anything in here. Maybe even some cauliflower could be nice. Some herbs for flavour, mixed Italian always works well. Just heat it up until it is soft. Helpful Hint: Onion takes a little bit longer, put it on first, then add the other veggies.

In a bowl mix together the cooked quinoa, cooked mushroom, onion, garlic, the tahini, walnuts and oats with salt and pepper to taste. Basically now it's all about making the patties. It will be a bit crumbly so grab an egg ring and a spoon and stuff the quinoa mix into the ring, then just slowly pull it off. Perfect Patty Shape! It just needs 30 minutes in a 180 degree C (350 F) oven and you are ready to serve.


I can not take credit for the DELICIOUS chips that we had. But from what I saw, it was sweet potato, sliced Really thin, some oil and salt and pepper, then in to the oven. BOOM, sometimes I genuinely think we might be culinary wizards.

The rest is explained in the pictures and is not too hard to work out. Buns, Salad, Sauce and it is dinner time.

DO IT. Next time you make dinner, make something vegan or vegetarian. You might be quite surprised at how filling and enjoyable it is.

Friday 21 June 2013

A Quick Catch Up.. Maybe Not So Quick

So it has been a while since I have blogged anything. Almost a month in fact, and I have been stressing about getting on and putting something in writing and today I finally Let It Go. And the words are flowing more freely and I have much to write about.
I have been unwell over the past month, a scary trip to hospital really put some things in perspective for me. For example, our health system is amazing. I don't know what is trending in politics or how people feel about the public health system, but I can not express enough gratitude to the men and women who held my hand from the get go. I was so scared, let me tell you, surgery is scary, and it gets scarier the older I get. I flew to Thailand for surgery and thought nothing of it in my teens, obviously being invincible and all. But the sudden realisation that I am not invincible. What a shock, happy gas all of sudden makes so much sense. So that happened and although I may not encounter those people again, I hope to be able to pass on there amazing love and kindness to others who might need some in there time of need.
I also decided to take a really good look at the person I am and what I want from life and what I want to give back. So here it is. My first baby step. I am a vegetarian. EEKKK
Its been a whole week and I feel Terrible. My body is going through a massive adjustment, but it is going to be so grateful in the long run. Plus I am being proactive in my beliefs which gives me a healthy head. A fresh outlook and perspective on the world and I just generally feel great about my choice. It was so amazed that after making this decision people just seemed to know and gravitate towards me and people are so supportive. Especially other vegetarians. I spent a long time thinking about whether this was the right decision to make, hours and hours sitting there spinning it over and over in my mind and all of a sudden I thought 'why am I thinking about this?' I had already made my decision. It was simple to decide it was the right thing to do. And I don't really have a good answer to the obvious question of Why?. You know why? Because it is the right thing to do for mother nature, for our animals, for people, for me. And I know there is a lot to learn about the companies we buy our food from, our make up, our clothes and in the long run I want to be making the right choices for all of my consumption, but for this minute, I am proud that I made a choice for the right reason and I am grateful that the choice just doesn't end there. I can expand on that and start reaching out to make better choices in every aspect of my life.
So amongst all these new feelings I managed to find something else really exciting. Some peace. Peace with my surrounds, I let go of negative relationships and didn't have fear of letting go, I let go of some of my emotional baggage, forgave those who I needed to forgive and found some solid grounding. I decided to dance more, especially when burning sage. I find myself dancing like a wobbly octopus and it makes me feel so good. I am going to sing more, I am going to give more love and hold less judgement. I am going to learn more about the things that interest me. I am going to love the dirt and the air and the trees and I am going to hug them if I want to. I no longer fear judgement and funnily enough found myself at a seminar today talking about all of the above things. I did learn some new techniques but I already found it. Whatever it may be.

So now that that has all been said, lets talk about something really yummy!!! It happened to be my sister in laws birthday. And as any baking enthusiast would know birthdays aren't about numbers. Ha what a silly idea. Birthdays are just another amazing excuse to make something exceptional. So that is exactly what I did. I have been trying to find a fabulous name for what I made, but have so far come up short. The obvious answer would be Triple Chocolate Truffle but that hardly details how decedent this cake was. Three layers alternating white chocolate mud and chocolate mud. Icing and homemade truffles. Choc mint truffle, white chocolate honeycomb truffle and dark chocolate truffle. Then the cake was drizzled with dark and white chocolate. I can not help but laugh at how completely ridiculously over the top this cake sounds. But I am glad to say that it was a massive hit. I do believe there may have been some questioning my current position in our office on the phones. Perhaps they might take me on as a full time cake maker. Our company most certainly needs cake full time. Anyway here is a picture
You have a good name for it? Let me know!

Monday 27 May 2013

An Honest Encounter

So I have been spending a lot of time trying to find motivation for my new post. I really want to share the party I did on the weekend but every time I put something down in writing it sounds like blah blah cupcake, blah blah boring.
Then it hit me like a tonne of bricks to the face. Motivation. Motivation....
Even the word confuses me and to be truthful I am not talking solely about the motivation to write or to create. I mean the motivation that gets you out of bed in the morning and makes you do something with your life.
Let me tell you a little something about myself. I am a stubbornly independent woman, and yet the only person I am constantly trying to convince of that is myself. It is not logical. I have the motivation one day to get up and get the job done and then the next day I can hardly convince myself to get out of bed at all.

September 7 2012 was my 23rd birthday and the day that I consider I officially turned my life around. Sick of pathetic people swarming my existence I turned my back on the negativity and I thought that it was forever. I changed my lifestyle, my attitude and reaped the benefits of it. And then just like that old habits started to slowly make there way back in, negative friends started to inhabit my social outings, bad choices became regular choices. What happened? I'm serious, what the heck happened?
You know I woke up one morning and looked at myself in the mirror and realized that the person I was looking at, wasn't the person I knew. It is terrifying some mornings getting up and not know what person you will be faced with. I mean is this a turning point that every 20 something year old faces, or is this a life long battle that I will constantly have to fight. To be the person I am constantly battling against, or to be the person I want to be.
I have this one friend who is just amazing. He inspires me every time he opens his mouth, he has faced battles in his life that I couldn't even begin to comprehend and yet he always appears to be this amazingly strong willed pioneer of greatness. And I know we are told from a young age that we can be whoever we want to be. Is that really true? I believe that the mind is the most powerful tool, but how on earth do I take control of it. How can I truly be a believer that my mind is the most powerful tool I own when I spend so much time up there playing tug of war.
I was given a pretty sharp reality check when I was a kid, overhearing a conversation about my dreams and hopes and the realities of it coming true. It still stings to think that someone close to me didn't believe that I could be what I wanted to be, and it changed my ideas on life for such a long time. I felt so sorry for myself that I didn't have support to be what I wanted to be, the only thing I was good at. It made me be independent because it was a reminder that you only have you. I must admit that as I have grown older I have faced this demon and mostly put it to rest. I take the sting and accept it as a challenge and yet I still find myself struggling to fully and honestly believe myself. Holding on to some of the resentment that has held its own in my emotions for such a long time. And on the note why is it that the people we are closest to are the first ones we hurt. Is this human nature or am I just an asshole?
I have So many beliefs in life, like you get what you put out and what goes around comes around and some things happen for a reason. And yet when I look at my life I am terrified by those very beliefs because if they are true then I don't really like my reflection.
Please don't misunderstand, I have some wonderful people in my life that a cherish with every ounce of me, but I do fear the reflection...my reflection.
It scares me posting this tonight, it is very honest and a little disjointed and I fear says a lot about me which could be judged, about the person I am and my many insecurities. I promise to share the party with you super soon, it was a truly magical night and will not be forgotten any time soon.

Monday 13 May 2013

Getting the Creative Juices Flowing

Whoo. What a week it's been. So many things happening, so much creative juice flowing.
I embarked on a journey. One filled with wood, saw dust, nails, paint, more paint, paint Everywhere! At one point I had paint in my nose and in my eye and I've been trying to get it out of my hair for days.
My lovely little niece turned two last week. I posted her birthday cake last week, but being the best Aunty in the world, it wasn't enough to merely provide an outrageously fabulous cake. No. I had to step it up this year. So it all began with a plan. Pen, paper and with the help of my amazing Grandad, some dimensions.

I initially wanted to make it from a cupboard so I would have a solid foundation to work with, but it really ended up being easier to build it from scratch. So we did. Grandad got the wood and we went ahead and cut it to our dimensions. Now let me tell you something about the Grandad. He is the most amazing, supportive, intelligent, caring man and I love him like Crazy! But boy oh boy is he a control freak. Which I find very stressful because I am also a control freak. I was so grateful for his help that I let him take the lead, but it took all of my patience and strength not to lose my head and take control. Regardless of our power struggle, well my power struggle, we finally got the wood cut and the foundation built.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't allowed to use the saw, but I totally got to nail and glue this bad boy together.
All we had left to do was paint and decorate! I enjoyed painting far to much! There was paint everywhere. I seriously still have it in my hair. I thought white. Just classic, simple and she can chop and change it as she gets bigger. I managed to ruin a pair of jeans and a shirt, but then decided it was going to be a fashion statement anyway so rocked them to work, much to my grandparents horror. I just went out and got some bits a pieces and threw it together.

 
 The final product being a wonderful surprise where we played make up and Aunty Lolly was lucky enough to get a full make over.


 
So whilst all this was going on, I was also busy busy busy in the kitchen. I had a friends birthday party on Saturday and then I had my nieces party on Sunday, Not to mention mothers day!
My friends party on Saturday was a casual doo with friends and having supplied cupcakes for other parties the pressure was on to make something new. All day long all I could hear was the pounding, repetitive rhythm of 'Under Pressure'. I may not have made it through without my amazing mum and housemate who managed to make sure I didn't lose my head and gave me the inspiration for a new cupcake.
For a different texture I tried a new recipe for a fairy cake and what amazing little treasures they turned out to be. I thought fairy cake with a meringue, use the torch to brown the top, how hard could it be? .... Four batches of meringue later I sat on the floor and almost gave up (maybe cried a little bit). The damn moisture from the rain was ruining my meringue. It was runny and wouldn't pipe and I just wanted to give up. But with some encouraging words I got off the floor and worked something out. They were pretty fabulous, and such a perfect mouthful of absolute loveliness. Small enough to be enjoyed by even those on the strictest of diets and not so sweet that I needed a glass of water/beer to wash it down. For those that had a little more of a sweet tooth I went all out with a Neapolitan mound of gooey goodness. Chocolate cupcakes, Vanilla Buttercream, Strawberry American Style Fluff. Oh man. Wow. There aren't many words to describe how decedent it was. There are only so many times I can use the word fabulous. I've decided to call them Naughty Neapolitans. Anyway, here are some pictures, hopefully they will do it justice!



Fairycake Batter

Naughty Neapolitans

Raspberry Meringue Fairycakes


I had to call it a night around 11pm, head home to bed whilst everyone went out to paint the town red. I had a very special mum to make a very special brekkie for, under her strict instruction of course.

We made individual quiches. It was a wonderful breakfast. My housemate contributed  with vegan crepes, dark chocolate and banana. Drool. It was so lovely! Our quiches were just bacon and egg and balsamic tomatoes with a cracked egg on top. They looked so rustic, which is something that I really enjoy. I love eating with my eyes. They were not overly healthy with the filo pastry and bacon but for this special occasion it was totally worth it.


My last job, but certainly not my least important job, was a cupcake flowerpot for the Mad Hatters tea party for all the kids. I kept it simple with chocolate and vanilla. What a mess it was making the rose bush! I pinned and re pinned the roses on the ball and then probably pinned them again! I had to re-ice at least 5 cupcakes but finally I got the pattern down pat. I think this is such a lovely idea and something that I could use again and again for allIdifferent types of parties. It was so lovely listening to the oos and ahhs as I came down the driveway. I can assure you they were ooing and ahhing over the cake, because i had icing Everywhere. On my shirt, fingers, pants, car, car seats haha there was even a man down on the way to the party. The pavement has that cake now.
But I'll tell you, it was all worth it.



The whole crazy weekend was a roller coaster ride, full of ups and downs! I'm so blessed with the family and adopted family I'm surrounded by. So much support and someone to pick me up when I'm sitting on the floor crying over terrible meringue. It's over, but only to be followed by a massive order for Friday night, as we celebrate the engagement of my dear friend Hollie and Max.
I'll give you the details after the big day. I'm nervous and excited to see how far I can push myself and how big and fabulous I can make it for an old friend. Stay tuned ....


Monday 6 May 2013

Food for Thought

One of my passions in life is creating small portions of decidance. Individual, over indulgent, moments of pure joy. My favourite sound is that muffled moan from a far. Someone biting into something you have created that is so beautiful, and not being able to contain there enjoyment, a small groan, escaping like a whisp of smoke from a smouldering log. These are the smalls things in life that bring us joy. But how much is too much?

I recently met with a friend who has lost a staggering 28kg. She really looks amazing. She changed her lifestyle and we both got talking about the changes needed to succeed. I know I have already gone on my boring dietitian rant, but her success really got me thinking about what the average joe needs when it comes to working out a diet. I'm not talking radical juice fasts or low carb, high protein. I'm talking about finding the balance.

To me, the balance is a place. Rolling green hills and waterfalls. I've always associated it with mythical lands where birds help you get dressed in the morning and there is an evil queen and a happily ever after.  And whenever I feel like I have achieved this balance, it is like a magic garden, where your body is a tree and your roots are stable and your leaves strong and vibrent. Finding it is the hard part! Witches hand you candy apples and you get so lost and confused in the haunted forrest with whispers and misleading information. And all your emotional baggage and how you have formed a relationship with food leads you to the hidden trap where dwarfs snap you in a cage and laugh at your misfortune. I am getting away with my imagination so I will get back to the point I am trying to make.

We need to create a healthy relationship with food.

The psychology of food is really interesting. How we relate to what we eat, the thought process of when we eat and how much we eat. Let's first talk about this idea of 'Emotional Eating'
Come on, we are All guilty of it. We have all watched Bridgette Jones's Diary when she doesnt get the guy and she goes home and devours 1000 calories of Ben and Jerrys. We have even used this as justification and an excuse to eat our feelings. When did feeling become such a problem, so much of a problem that we need to bandaid any emotion with eating. It's an unhealthy idea that has been put into our heads and is not a natural association. Eating doesn't make a bad situation better, if you struggle with your weight then its going to make it harder. Disassociate your feelings from your food. The mind is such a powerful tool and you can train it to do whatever you want. Take control and break the link.
Another one I have personally had to struggle with is 'The Reward.' Rewarding your actions with food. Rewarding your kids and your friend with food for that  matter. Why can't we reward eachother with encouragement? Reward ourselves with love? I'm going to be really honest. Just because you went to the gym once this week, it does not mean its okay for you to over eat or drink. Again, it is all about using the most powerful tool we own, our minds. Train your thoughts in a new direction, create a new relationship.

I understand that finding the healthy relationship and the balance is difficult, it can sometimes seem like a fairytale, but I promise that at the end is a wonderful place. A place of achievement and success. Next time you want to have a cheat day, or you think you deserve a chocolate bar, think about it. Doesn't your body deserve love and health and nutrients. Sometimes you will fall, we all fall, there is no shame in falling. But it's all about the comeback. Learn to Love your food, love it without all the baggage!

Now for something a little more fabulous


For my Beautiful Niece turning 2 day. All my love Nanni, Your Lolly

Monday 22 April 2013

Inspiration

Today wasn't a good day. It took me 2 hours into my shift for me to realize that I hadn't even brushed my hair. I had a stain on my jeans and a dribble down my shirt. I wanted to crawl under the desk and find a hole of happiness where I could reflect. Unfortunately crawling under your desk to find salvation isn't so commonly accepted in normal society. Today wasn't a good day.
We all have ways of coping with days like today. Sometimes I run and sometimes I cook. I always cook, but it takes on a new meaning, it provides me with the drive to create something that changes my perspective and outlook on the world and on my life. Today it was the people that inspire me, that make me laugh and don't mention that fact that I rock up with a birds nest in my hair. Or tell me that I do have a birds nest and openly laugh at me. So for my theme tonight I went for fish and fortune cookies.
My fish friends are a my close friends, some of my fondest memories with them are mackie wraps with dirty hangovers, i knew that if they saw me today, they would crack straight into a joke about how terrible i looked. I mean I had people ask me today how I came down with the flu so quickly, shocked I had become so sick so fast. I played along, because admitting to them that I just didn't have my face on was horrifying. So i smiled and made some pathetic coughing noise and went along with the story. I thought about the fact that they would laugh and then I would laugh and the stress of not looking my best wouldn't matter anymore. Because the people that really love you don't require your rock star good looks. It gave me the warm and fuzzies.
I wanted my salmon skin to be super crispy. So i peeled it off before putting my fish in the oven and continued to cook it, like a fish crackling. For the rest of the dish I stir fried some veggies. Presentation can really make all the difference. So even though I may not have looked my best today, my fish looked damn good. The end result being delicious and well presented.


I made cupcakes for dessert. I have been wanting to try a new recipe but also wanted to throw all my love into this batch so i could share that love with the people I love and the ones who inspired it.
A green tea cupcake with lemon cream cheese icing. I won't share this particular recipe because I know I can find a better one that really brings through that bitter, green, earthy taste, I think I'll just share their story.

People come into your life like a blinding light. Some fade and some burn so bright it hurts your eyes. Others just give off that warm glow that hits you straight in the heart and reminds you to be good and always look for the good. They remind you to smile and to speak your mind and to be proud of your emotions and the way you feel and the way you are. I have stumbled across a few in my time that really bring all this home. They always surprise me, I sometimes forget that people can be good and that they care and I'm so grateful to have them come into my lives and welcome them with open arms, an open mind and an open heart, and I just hope I can give back to them what they so readily and easily give me. And if not, there are always cupcakes.
So I just started with all this in my head. Over thinking it as usual. I baked tonight using few utensils. No electric mixer, no beaters. Just a wooden spoon and a bowl. It felt so real and took so much more time and I really had to put my heart and soul and arm strength into making them. They may not taste as I originally planned but it doesn't even matter. What I ended up with was just as good. Because I know the work that went into them and it shines through and makes them delicious. Delicious with love.

So these ones are for all of them... (there are more)


And then this one was for me...


Wednesday 17 April 2013

Scared of the Dark ?

Are we really in the dark about what is good for us?
I know what your thinking, this blog has cupcake in the title, what would she know about nutrition and what's good for you, but don't be fooled, my body is my temple.
I have been participating in a 6 week challenge, boot camp style. There is lots of running, sweating, yelling and of course the old tug of war. As part of this journey to rock hard abs and a Hercules like boyfriend, we have been provided with advice from a dietitian. I was skeptical going in, it's my nature, but I sat there in good faith hoping that she would tell me the miracle cure to fat, or at least something new. The new coconut water, or perhaps a wild Amazonian berry. What I got instead was the same robot answer we have been provided with for the last 20 years, presented in the same robot way. It was boring and uninspiring.
The fact is, the information she provided us with was solid, good information, we have had it drilled into us since birth on the News, in the newspapers, in all the mags, WE GET IT! I think what we don't get is how to use this boring ass information and turn it into something inspired and new. Is most of the population overweight because we are not being taught how to cook good food that is fun, that tastes good, and that is healthy? Are we just uninspired? We have the facts, why can't we put them into practice?
With all this in mind I set out with my housemate this weekend to create something that tasted good, but was also really healthy (and Vegan for him).
I can't take credit for the salad, but boy will I share it with you because it was the perfect way to add a little something something to the side of the plate without adding a little something something to the thighs.
Ingredients: Beans, Sesame seeds, Baby Beets (tinned), lemon and garlic. Blanch the beans, add some lemon and garlic, mix with seeds and beets and you are done. This salad was so fresh and light and added so much to our dish that it was incredible that it could be that easy.
I think this is a really important thing to take note of. It Doesn't Have To Be Hard. Stop watching MKR, you don't have to cry and yell and sweat profusely and cry a little more to create a spectacular dish.
For the other part of our meal we had a clean version of 'bubble and squeak'. My dad used to make this dish when I was a kid. He would get all the left overs in the fridge and mix it all up and fry it on the pan. His version gives me images of clogged arteries and heart attacks, but it doesn't have to be that way.
We used red sweet potato and all the left over veggies in the fridge. Shallots, mushrooms, garlic etc. It was so simple and left both of us stuffed couch potatoes. We had created something so good, which we both enjoyed and left us satisfied, and I didn't wake up the next day filled with the eaters remorse.
It really is like being scared of the dark, it's not that dark that you're afraid of, it's the unknown.
I hope that along with my sweet treats I can inspire you to get creative in the kitchen for meal times. It's the best game i play at home. Think of your favourite meal. Now think of how you can make it healthy and clean by using fresh product.
Its time to turn the night light off and face your fears.


Now, with all that said I am going to bake some cupcakes :)

Saturday 13 April 2013

Finding the Pearfect Match

Lets talk about the perfect match. 
Pears are easy! Wine, Water, Sugar and Spice. On your marks, get ready, Poach. 
The hardest part is not drinking all the wine when you start feeling depressed about your own perfect match situation. 

Don't be afraid to play with your spice. Mix them and match them and get something exciting going. Find something perfect for you. To be honest, today I used vanilla and cinnamon. Hypocritical... perhaps. Basic... a little. But delicious, Yes! 



My reason being, my true intention of todays poach was to mastermind a cupcake creation. My mind was on a purely aesthetic path, I wanted to create something beautiful, but I didn't want that to take away from the experience of eating the pear or the cake. So I threw the crazy aside and went with something classic to warm even the coldest of hearts.


Presenting My Poached Pear Crumble Cupcake


It truly was a pearfect match! 

Friday 12 April 2013

Maybe i fell a little too hard and hit my head

After all the hype and the excitment of my first blog entry dwindled, I set my mind to creating some cool concepts for my future entries. Admittidly I sat up way past my bedtime trying to breakdown what it was that I truly wanted from this space and just exactly how much I wanted to share. Like a mother leaving her child on the first day of school, I clutch my babies (recipes) to my chest and smother them in love (bossoms) reluctent to let them go, a fear of which I intend to overcome. And yes, you may read that and think I'm a little nuts, I did warn you! But i thought I might share just how far the crazy goes.
After the voices quietened down I finally drifted into an uneasy sleep where I was transported to a place I am very familiar with. Having always had a vivid imagination, my dreams have always been on the wild and wacky side but somehow they alway bring back the raw emotion that I am having trouble perceiving in my consciousness. Well last night was no exception.
I was plonked in the middle of a fish market, catching fish, but these fish werent just normal fish. These fish were HUGE. Thankfully i wasn't handed the job of removing the eyes, but these big huge eyes were just slapped in front of me and lets be real, fish eyes are gross! It was my job to take these giant fish, so slimy and gross and turn them into a beautiful cake, iced, decorated and ready to sell. I was so stressed taking something essentially so disgusting and raw and trying to transform it into something new and fresh.
I woke up and had a laugh at the ridiculousness of my dream and then took a step back and had a think, being unable to hide from my own emotions being slapped in front of me like that big slimy fish eye. What is my blog about? What do I want to achieve? What will my readers want? How did I become so obsessed with making cake???????
So after a day of contemplation I decided to take the most simple route of doing whatever comes naturally to me. I'll let you know how I feel, how much I decide to share and if you want anything from me just Holla. Post piccis, tag them, write about your experiences, lay it all out because 'Honesty is the Best Policy'
 
Just a quick side note, for any of my taste testers today, thanks for the love, it never goes unnoticed and nothing gives me more joy then hearing that muffled groan from a couple of cubicles away.
 
Ill post some goodies soon.

Wednesday 10 April 2013

Down the Rabbit Hole

It was the middle of the night.
Cream cheese, mint, red velvet, salted caramel, popcorn, buttermilk, jars, bird cages and pot plants.
These were the ideas swimming around in my head.
I lay awake that night unable to sleep, consumed, all because of one idea. One concept
One Girl, One Cupcake.

To help you understand what I am about, what i want my blog to be about, I'll start from the beginning and break it down a little.
My name is Lauren Elizabeth Shelley. Very regal I know. I'm 23 but the numbers don't mean much to me. I love baking, cooking, dancing, having experiences and living to the fullest. Sometimes I am mad, bonkers, completely off my head, I don't believe that anything is impossible and I truly believe that I will achieve greatness, whatever that actually means.
I want this to be not only a blog about cupcakes and recipes and food, but i want to share with you the obsession of the creation. The crazy ups and downs of the life that is led by a person Obsessed with creating and with sharing the love and the endless hours put into these little individual portions of pure decadence. I don't want to talk solely about the sweeter side of life either.
I have always said, and felt, that gone are the days where we eat to survive. Many of us have fallen prey to this idea of 'loving' food. Loving something that won't love us back, loving something purely designed to fuel our miracle bodies to survive our years in this world. One very wise woman once said to me, 'No Lauren, you don't love food, you love the social climate and the experience that food brings you' a sentence that changed my life, although I may not have realized it at the time. I carried this notion around with me on my shoulder, sometime weighing me down, not fully understanding its meaning, until on day the light switched on (I'll tell you about that day later.)
I want to share with you this new understanding that I have of food and friendship and making every moment an experience and sharing those experiences with the world, but also learning to enjoy those experiences alone.
I want you to learn about me and to learn with me because I have fallen down this rabbit hole and you're coming with me...